Answer (1 of 11): I am an older lady. I kept waiting for someone to say this. If you are a woman, if you just met a guy, and if you become pregnant, you can get 20+ years of child support. A lottery win implies she is loaded and set for life. I feel so depressed about everything. But the issue is when he decided not to pull out but bust a load into a strangerhe took on that risk of possibily having the responsibility to pay for a kid for the next 18 years. I ended up feeling sorry him, and I started talking to him again, but2 weeks laterhe said the pregnant girl was threatening to hurt herself and he was going to be with her and that he cared too much about her and his unborn child to not try to work it out. Whether those parents planned it or not they need to be there for that kid and not just dump it becuase you feel like it. I try t,o help because I remember when I was young. Maybe that outrage will be the catalyst for you to start a political career in order to change these laws that you feel are so unfair. April 10, 2012, 7:35 pm. If your ex moved on before you did, you might feel as if they won or wonder why you didn't find someone else . And whether you believe its a child at conception or not, its a scientific fact that conception is what, at the very least, leads to life. I'm devastated and broken. While we both made it, I wanted it and he didnt. Or, hey, maybe they were both tested, maybe they were both clean, and maybe he believed her, and maybe she actually was on the pill. Do whats best for you, as difficult as that is. Dont like the consequences? You add nothing to the conversation but name-calling. And since shes the one with the baby in HER uterus, theres not a whole lot you can do to force her to have the abortion or stop her from doing so. But you know what? Um hello, hes 40 years old, he knows how babies are made. And those young boys and those young boys parents have wages garnished for the next 18 years to pay for the rapists child. No, he could be furious at the legal system that compelled it or at the woman (who, by the way, was equally culpable in the creation) who opts to continue with a child only she wants. 5) What bothers me more than anything is the LWs attitude. lets_be_honest Everyone seems to assume he didnt use a condom, but nothing in the letter says that. Paternity laws in this country absolutely suck. Image Source. April 12, 2012, 2:47 am. Tough shit. And now onto you, ummmm you say he cant bare to be without you and never loved anyone as much as he loves you.well his actions sure say otherwise. Women Who Got Pregnant From A One-Night-Stand Share What Went Down As for you LW, Im not even sure exactly what youre asking. Its wrong and its not fair, and thats what should be changed, not the fact that a man who voluntarily engaged in activities that everyone knows could result in pregnancy can *gasp* be sued for child support for a kid he doesnt really want. Its still good advice if the letter his fake, actually, since there certainly are people in this situation. You sure arent one. It is my biggest pet peeve when a woman blames the other woman for her boyfriends stupid actions. My takeaway from this is that men should never have sex unless theyre sterile or want to have children, and even then they should never have sex unless they plan to never have sex with a different person in the future because there is absolutely no way to avoid all sexually transmitted diseases aside from the complete lack of sexual contact. I dont mean to gush but seriously LBH, I respect you and your opinions a lot on the matter and thanks for making me question my gut responses a bit with your candor! I have been trying to have a rational conversation with people unfamiliar with reason. So, again, why are you crying and being depressed over him? Well, ok. You really have no idea what child support means. I noticed you dutifully avoided addressing that. I have zero sympathy for for any guy crying about how hes stuck paying for a child he doesnt want. Sure. It really doesnt help the LW at all and doesnt belong here but here we go. I honestly dont care if he did or didnt. Also, there are so many single parents who have adopted. And we dont really know that she actually said shes on the pill or if she is indeed really pregnant or if the lw truly wants him to go off and marry the other woman. Sometimes the reasons are clear, such as frequent arguments, lack of interest, and abuse. Maam, hes made a choice. April 10, 2012, 6:11 pm. By your logic, its just as much the waiters fault for not making sure the kitchen used different gloves when she didnt bother to tell him just how severe her allergy was. What Your Breakup Will Tell You About Your Ex-Girlfriend - Luvze So, Chuck, despite the fact that no one is denying the fact that there are some people out there trying to game the system, Chuck, the fact that shes pregnant is equally their responsibility. Well, there are more than a million people who have been unexpectedly pregnant in this country, so arguably those risks are higher. Not good enough. It takes two people to make a baby and two people to decide what to do after one of them gets pregnant. Maybe because she wants a tie to the LWs boyfriend. Scummy is the wrong word to use. I think that is fair. Any woman who, in a divorce, grants custody of the children to the father is an immature asshole, and any woman who spends her life in her career an allows the father to raise the children is an immature asshole, because, in each of those cases, the woman is just as guilty of abdicating the role of parent as the guy here would be, and in many of them, she also doesnt even provide financial support. April 10, 2012, 10:34 am. Its the second set of support owed to the child we are talking about. female I get from the tone of your letter that you are bitter. You dont have an obligation to be faithful to an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend! How many times have we read articles like that and think to ourselves couldnt you have just left the baby with family or at the hospital rather than kill it.. Oh, in a perfect world, kerrycontrary Dude and LW split, Dude meets Lady, Dude and Lady go home together. Fine. They should act responsibly. It's good that he's being a responsible father already by supporting them financially. What are your thoughts on an abortion? Ive done that on a number of occasions. Does that make him an asshole? Your constant blatant disregard for others is increasingly more and more shocking Plus it is only the heteros that are so steadfast and determined to keep fucking people like me over and over All the while, claiming they want smaller government Then get the FUCK out of my bedroom and out of my fucking life. That isnt misogyny. She says she thinks shed like to keep it. The dream is a signal for your quest for power. While it is true he has no obligation to someone hes broken up with, he does have an obligation to not go around making babies with women he doesnt even know. rainbow April 9, 2012, 9:30 pm. April 9, 2012, 4:44 pm. Termination of Parental rights does NOT absolve you from paying Child Support in the United States of America. 17. If youre going to be all bent out of shape if the stranger youre sleeping with has your baby then Id ask for a hand job instead. Who then supports the child that the man made? Its not fair to create more fucked up human beings by being the father a kid never had; by making them think theres something about them that wasnt good enough. Wow, thank you so much Lili. You can leave this dude, try to learn to live life on your own, try to show compassion toward your fellow women, and try to learn to identify unhealthy relationships straight away, before you find yourself embroiled in more soap-opera style theatrics. One common definition: a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response. lets_be_honest STORYTIME: my boyfriend cheated and got another girl pregnant There are many other examples of behavior that might possibly lead to unwanted consequences that we each do daily. If this is the case then your friend is in the clear because he has no legal responsibility any more. The way I figure, he can go ahead and have unprotected sex all he wants but I still maintain its a bad idea. Thats the way it has to be. But what a guy usually doesn't take into consideration is that a lot has happened after the breakup. You can look at it like women are lucky- they can opt out at the last minute! I dont agree with it, but the beauty of being an American is we both get to have our views. April 9, 2012, 10:01 am. lets_be_honest LW, why are you directing all of your anger at this other woman? If he cant afford the child support, get away from him as he will be an emotional and financial drain. We learned that in middle school. Government will go after him for either Medical Support and/or Child Support. And whether you think its fair or not that the woman gets the final say on whether to abort or not and the father has to live with that decision, it doesnt matter. April 9, 2012, 10:29 am. I think Dan Savage an Santorum have some sexual tension though. His character and judgment are awful. Surely you know that So if you want to hate women for having child support, why dont you hate the men who skipped town. She doesnt have to listen to him, but the concern at least needs to be addressed. It's like she's a completely different person. April 10, 2012, 6:32 pm. female I know exactly what child support means, and you are discussing the post-birth situation, where there actually is a child who actually needs support. And I do commend him for providing financial support. He doesnt have to have a romantic relatioship with her, but if she keeps the baby, and IF he is a real man, then this woman will be in his life for the rest of his, as the child is her child as well as his. I wouldnt advocate using the pull-out method alone, but if some stranger says Its cool, Im on the Pill and you dont *quite* believe her and you dont have a condom, I guess it wouldnt hurt. You shouldnt expect him to bow down and praise the woman. This does sound like a lot of cod wallop and baby malarky shenanigans to me as well. Agree. lets_be_honest So, youre wondering what is it about her that he is willing to commit himself and give his all to her. So yes, if she is trying to trap him, he should be furious at her. Im not so sure why he isnt allowed to be angry at her decision to keep the baby. Good times. April 9, 2012, 5:48 pm. The argument is that Im on birth control. is not the same as I will not get pregnant from this sexual encounter. You know how babies are made. Both have to accept responsibility for that. AndreaMarie And at 40 years of age, he should know how babies are made and if he didnt want kids, maybe he should have considered getting snipped? Might he have continued sleeping with her? He actually did believe he was the dad, which means he actually did cheat with this other woman. A better comparison would be a woman abandoning her child in a shelter, etc- and while Im happy there is an option for truly desperate people (who often have major issues, mental illness, abuse, etc), I do think that doing that rather than going through a traditional adoption channel is a pretty scummy thing to do. My boyfriend and I lived in different states and after years together, my worst nightmare came true: he cheated on me and ended up having a baby with the other woman. That is pretty much it. April 10, 2012, 6:37 pm. That is what passes for reality in your world? I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Lets wait to have sex until we have a bigger place. Paternity Court 2023 Full Episodes #March 1st | **Miracle Baby Or Even people who do want to have one often suffer from some kind of depression or at least sadness. People who say that are codependent, melodramatic, or 15. Baby, our apartment isnt big enough for a baby. He hides me as well as the other girl. Seriously, no wonder so many of are all too stupid to understand where babies come from. -Exposed you to STIs by going bareback with a woman he cant stand and hes known for two minutes and then coming back to you Ummm sorry your comparison is ridiculous because in that case its 100% the fault of the person eating at the restaurant. But youre too stupid/gullible to be angry at him. I would also ask him to get an STD test because he had unprotected sex. Women can decide to abort the pregnancy or to give the child up for adoption, both of which are choices that remove any future obligation. Your bf cant stop her from having the baby. I agree with SweetsandBeets. Not to say that a single mother cannot give a child the support she needs alone, but as the father if you wash your hands of being in the childs life, you do not KNOW or even have a reasonable expectation (especially if shes a one night stand youve only known for 2 minutes) that the mother will be a sufficient parent. The key if you do decide to engage- keep it as civil and reasoned as possible. April 10, 2012, 7:25 pm. I dont know what he told her within those two minutes but obviously it worked cause now yeah. 4. April 10, 2012, 5:49 pm. She experiences an allergic reaction and has to be rushed to the hospital. I hope the LW takes note of the fact that Amandas comment currently has 61 likes. Why you ask? The laws are unfair because they arent designed to be fair to the PARENTS- theyre designed to work in the best interest of the innocent child that didnt choose to be born. I mean, I know guys are suppose to stick up for guys, but come on.. exactly hes allowed to not want to be a father, but be smarter about birth control. Steve Kellmeyer This guy, you can most definitely live without. Probably a creationist, from what you know about biological science. April 9, 2012, 12:49 pm. Aside from social media stalking, many ex-couples continue to actually communicatetrying to stay friends. Sleeping without protection with someone who you knew for two minutes ? lets_be_honest lets_be_honest Now hes going to have to deal with it, even if he wants nothing to do with the childhis wallet will. and now he must deal with those consequences. Why would you want a future with someone that could do something like that? Hes scum for directing his fury at anyone other than himself. But, seriously you should both get tested for STDs. Because you sound about 17. The last time I checked it took more than one person to make a baby. ColorsOfTheWind makes excellent points, and I agree; however, Id quibble with the phrase grown-up problems. My point is if you dont want kids there are always ways to prevent that he chose not to and now he can deal with the consequences. A dude youre dating barebacked someone while you were on a break and then came back to you and said he couldnt live without you. it happens. I think this post must have been linked somewhere, hence all the men defenders, out to protect a mans right to have indiscriminate sex without consequences. He says he told her hes not happy about this pregnancy and didnt want a baby and asked her to abort as he was 40 years old. Scan this QR code to download the app now. I noticed you dutifully avoided addressing that.. Unless Im sure the guy will make it worth my while, Im not going to do it. The idea that he actually said I would prefer if you had an abortion is laughable. This week she contacted him to say she was pregnant. AndreaMarie Seriously this is skeeving me out. April 9, 2012, 8:29 pm. It seems like you would be even more concerned about this when sleeping with someone you are non-monogamous with. Yet when it came to her most recent boyfriend, John . I never really got over him and he never got over me. reader, Maaeexo+, writes (11 November 2010): A Commenters on most websites just depress me I dont bother reading them anymore. Id confirm that shes actually pregnant Then, fine; but you need to consider the possibility of having to deal with this malarkey for the rest of the time you and your boyfriend are together. If you are so against men having to pay for a child they dont want that was nonetheless created by their penis couldnt you make this issue a hell of a lot easier by just telling your male friends to wrap it up? April 10, 2012, 5:35 pm. I came back to re-read because I was worried my reply would be disjointed and confusing (I wrote it tired last night, with a fever), so Im glad that while its not going to win any literary award, it wasnt totally nonsensical! No interest in fatherhood? He gets a girl pregnant and then tells her to get rid of it because its an inconvenience for him to have to deal with it? He delivered, at her request, one-half of a set of DNA blueprints. landygirl. . I feel like a part of me has died . Its that theyre more likely to be honest about not wearing them when something bad results. And, you are not the choice. He has an obligation to any future sex partner to keep himself clean. The hand and fingers were all bright red and black-and-blue under the nails. If it is hers you bet she supports it. Im surprised that so many people here are assuming that just because a guy has sex and gets a girl pregnant, he undergoes an immediate 180* like a Sim changing their clothes and becomes a devoted, excited father-to-be. You know what bothers me, if the lady wasnt pregnant would he have told you of the affair? You are feeling particularly aggressive or bold. reader, Junebug2589+, writes (22 November 2008): A He loves me and doesnt care about the mother but wants to be there for the child, but said he doesnt have to and wil wait for the DNA test. 3. its up to you wether to stay his friend or not. But women and children, in the context of child custody and support systems, end up in extremely unfortunate and unfair situations far more often. him: I would prefer if you had an abortion. This whole thing could have been prevented that way. I dont know why you dont understand that people think this guy is a scum, because he has said that he is going to be a deadbeat dad, and is pretty much taking no responsibility for what happened. . April 10, 2012, 8:54 pm. 1. Read the comments. Women dont get off requiring men to do it. Thank God for the real men. It takes two to tango my dear your boyfriend is as much to blame as this woman. All we know is that she wants to have the baby- maybe because shes prepared to be a wonderful parent. I can agree with you that the decision about which medical proceedure she under goes after that point is totally hers., Is it any wonder that 40% of the kids born today are bastards?. )boyfriend who got the woman pregnant. So, if MEN can be compelled to support children after rape, you must also support the idea that WOMEN can be compelled to support that child in the womb after THEY get raped. But hes 40?! All that does is make 3 people miserable (both parents plus the child). Because it doesnt work that way around here and everyone knows it. Apparently the LW couldnt trap him either since they broke up. That way you and only YOU get to decide which woman you deign to procreate with. I dont know if hes a bad guy or not since we only have the ex-girlfriends side of the story. No. Look, you broke up with him because your relationship had some problems, and because of trust issues, and his inability to commit to you. And as a grown adult; as a person whos lived 40 years and should have acquired a sense of decency and maturity; you should own up to the consequences of your actions. And I am, I must admit. Secondly, it is a medical procedure. And water. While it would be ridiculous to only have sex if you intended to conceive a child, it should still be in the back of everyones mind that it *can* happen, and if so, the woman, whos burdened with the pregnancy, gets to make the final call. Or until we decide to start a family.. You experience a myriad of emotions, and sometimes, you feel guilty or even blame yourself for why the relationship ended.This is all the more reason why it feels like a big fat kick in the teeth to discover that your ex is an overlapper: s(he'd . So, stop with the 19th century stuff about doing the right thing. Women have complete reproductive autonomy. April 9, 2012, 5:24 pm, The mention of being logical for some reason made me think of the whole idea of true abandonment. SpaceySteph Stuff like this really grinds my gears. When you have a child with someone you will have to deal with them FOREVER. Let me show you another scenario (that Im ad-libbing from GirlWritesWhat) following that logic: A woman is severely allergic to peanuts. personally i think this is a confusing, gray area that Im not sure I know the answer to. He sounds self-entitled, immature, arrogant, an all around horrible person. Chuck Pelto And more amazement with people who just cant live without a relationship with someone who has no concern about coitus with people outside of matrimony with people they just met.. Given the particularities and context of any particular situation, there is a lot of unfairness to go around. Tristan Is Expecting a Baby With a Woman He Allegedly Cheated on Khlo It happens, no matter what precautions are taken, unless you opt out of sex. Ill bet if LW gets pregnant, this guy is gone just about instantly. And how can you be mad at the woman? Doesnt matter if it has a sign on it that says dont shake takes arms off if explodes!. You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. April 9, 2012, 9:37 am. I just want her to know so that she won't expect anything like my boyfriend marrying him. Not only was she on the pill, but he wore a condom! , CatsMeow The baby will be due right in the middle of the semester. I am not entirely sure how this applies when the kids are not the product of both people, but when it is mom, dad, junior and junette junior and junette do not always come first, always. Oh I definitely agree, a laid back scenario is no more absurd, it really depends on how people take what he is saying. I get owning up to your responsibilities in an unwanted pregnancy, but you cant really think that is going through every non-idiot males mind when he gets ready to have sex. April 10, 2012, 10:28 am. Thats true I figured there was enough speculation on dickish behavior Id just float a more tame scenario by. The adoption process has a pretty involved vetting procedure- meaning that birth parents can reasonably assume the child will be cared for by the adoptive parent or parents. Itll take work and patience, but he CAN be a father to the baby, and a partner to you.. I dont think anyones saying that. Also, just food for thought, a lot of you are saying how horrible it is he wants nothing to do with his child but is willing to pay for itwould you say the same thing to someone who gave their kid up for adoption? The kid isnt a rapist, the mother is. It is actually quite easy. Going through a breakup can be tough.It can leave you feeling restless and struggling to fill the white space left behind by the relationship. Having the foresight to step out early doesnt make him an asshole. I had no idea most women hated it. slept with someone else. It is my argument that only an ass would be furious at anyone other than himself when he becomes obligated to provide for a child that he created. You are indiscriminate in your partner choice and/or birth control? If you want to hold this poor man responsible for some child some women decided to create, thats just mean and patriarchal crap. How the heck do you administer THAT?! April 9, 2012, 4:39 pm. IMO there are probably better ways to deal w/ the more egregious incidents of paternity fraud. April 9, 2012, 3:07 pm. Kansas City, Missouri. I would like to also say, we dont know that shes trapping him. Now, the woman could want it and the dude not want it. It sounds glib, and I mean, malarky? So he literally now has to reap what he sows as the consequences of his actions. bittergaymark SweetsAndBeats I agree Savannah. We started dateing again and have been for about 3 months and we have plans to save money and get an apartment. Everything is he: He is in love with you, so in love that he humped another woman; so in love that he wanted to kill a baby to be with you. Men dont pay child support during gestation only when there is an actually living child is in the world that has physical needs. Want to be disappointed, read the comments first and then read the letter. Francine Steve Kellmeyer guys..youre not gonna get anywhere with this one. Do you have any other questions? I attempt to avoid name calling, but youre not very smart. April 9, 2012, 1:05 pm. I dont owe them a relationship just because we have the same DNA. In the vast majority of cases, these relationships do not last long and serve solely to be a . Oh, good lord. I just dont see any part of the circumstance that allows a 40 year old man who was having consensual sex to take the other issues out on his own child by refusing to have anything to do with it. But if that rape victim gave birth to the child, dropped it on the rapists doorstep and left, its highly probable that the law would pursue her for child support. Men and women have control over conception on the front end of the decision- and a woman is stuck with the pregnancy. While We Were on a Break, He Got His Ex Pregnant. Now I'm - The Root Just keep right on thinking about yourselves as so many of you seem so want to do.