The simple answer is "yes," there is a direct link between unemployment and a higher risk of divorce, especially when the husband is unemployed. We lived on an island, so he constantly needed to take trips to the city to finish various things like a background check, psychological evaluation, written exams, and interviews. I seem to convince myself to just hold on, make sure he is working good then tell him to go, but it never happens. I am a senior learning and training manager who has spent most of my 15 years working in the college/university sector. My hubby and I have known each other for over 18yrs. How to solve this problem? I have and its worse now than it was then. Im right there with u sister : ( I feel like a failure as a wife and mom. Internet Pornography and Sexualized Behaviors Can Damage Marriages, What to do if Your Spouse Doesnt do Chores, Strategies for Dividing Up the Household Chores. Needless to say his other woman soon had nothing to do with him when he had no job. In an attempt to help their partners through what is a tumultuous time, these women endure substantial turmoil themselves. Like man up Be stronger. Every key should find the right key hole for themselves otherwise the lock will not open. He sits at home all day drinking beer. I understand the strain having been through similar situations myself. It feels too much on my shoulders when we arent married or engaged or even planning anything of the sort at the moment. As our relationship wore on, his weed habit, sucky brother, and overall lack of ambition drove us apart. I just dont think life is supposed to be so frusterating. I have to work to support us. I have worked full time supporting us, even with our childrens births. Last January, I lost my job of 7 years, he told me to not worried he will make his job search more aggressive, well I had to do temp work after my unemployment benefits ran out, someone had to make money for our family. Like some others have said, just having a rant about this has somewhat helped, and as I said at the beginning just reading about other similar stories certainly helps. I lost my full time job but found a part time job that barely pays the bills. I recently had a baby and now I cannot work due to the fact my son refuses to take a bottle he wont even let it in his mouth for a second. I feel worried about our marriage, because I sometimes truly think he is wallowing where he could be being stronger and more grateful for all that we do have. Not that it changes your position dramatically, but his contribution deserves to be counted. Since I quit this particular job, my girlfriend has been continually throwing it in my face how I quit with little to no notice and the fact that the extra money I was making was a nice bonus in spite of the fact how miserable I was and how I already do have a primary job. Do not cook for him, do his laundry, please buy your own food, eat out, cut off his cell phone, the cable. I just want a salary every week. I guess, in a way, Im glad Im not on my own. I understand exactly how you feel. It is a highly paid job and has kept my husband and his three kids from a previous marriage in a very happy life style. If he is a hot head and you fear violence call the police he will be taken out of the apartment and told not to return. He has turned into a man-child, basically, clinging to me because he has no friends and family in town, glad when I have a day off and wants to spend all his time with me, when I need time to myself! He had a job and I did as well. All too often, those unspoken agreement falls along depressingly gendered lines: You might be a full-time worker just like your husband, but that doesnt matter. Hes home everyday but doesnt do any housework and of course I resent him for that so everytime I ask him to do something I dont sound very nice and hes not going to do it because the way I ask doesnt please him. His mother is sending me money to help pay bills each month but she shouldnt have to. HARD. I probably need to see a therapist. But currently I am going through a stressful time at my job plus having to pay all bills, clean the house, wash clothes, make dinner, do homework for my Bachelors degree, make sure the kids do their homework, and get the kids up for school everyday. Now, its time to apply to online jobs but all he does is to play with our kid, play games on his phone, etc. Are you kidding me? Now? It is lonely and very isolating and sole destroying. He agreed, but guess what, he had no where to stay and asked if he could just stay for a few weeks till he arranged something else. Afterwards, he said he wanted to try medical coding. If a MAN is out of work for YEARS, it means he doesnt really want a job and is pretty much just enjoying the freebie as long as you will allow it. Since he was paroled, he hasnt been able to keep a job because of his record. My partner is really supportive but I know that hes pressured too because his mom always talks about money and about how hard it is for me to get a job because I did not finish bachelors. My partner has been unemployed for almost a year. I think I was just trying to get across that putting down my people in every conversation isnt a fun chestnut we should pull out every dinner. Our whole lives are a facade to our community. Im never recommending my nephew for another job where I work ever again and it was a terrible mistake the one and only time I did it. We have no savings due to spending a lot of money repairing our apartment after a major leak in the roof. I tried to switch jobs. Where is love.this job was creaing a bond between me and my wife. I think there is more at play here and a lack of understanding of what love is and how it is displayed during the better or worse moments of life. I really want to leave him at times but when I try; he begs- he acts suicidal- he will make me feel horrible because he tells me no one can ever love you the way I do. He has a PhD but had no commercial experience so its extra difficult for him to look for work. At least my DH love my children. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Its hard. I am now in debt and had to take on a second job totalling 70hrs some weeks not including long travelling time to work. I was able to talk to him about going to a doctor to sort out his mental issues. Sorry if you want to talk my email should have been sent to you,, i feel your pain ,. And he resents my (tiny!) The Row and Balmain showed individual gestures on luxury. We live paycheck to paycheck. You are right on the money and can deliver the truth with style and good humor. The end result is the same, your partner being rejected yet again and you blaming them and them blaming themselves. My mom was annoyed that I tried to encourage my mom to ask more details about his prospective son-in-law. Sit down with him and talk, and let him know that what he's feeling is okay. Better yet, look for ways to help and help shoulder the emotional burdens.. If youre strong enough to put up with this crazy man then fine.. but hes effected your elderly parents to the point that theyre starving and you STAY? Married 17 years have 1 child in High School. My husband has been out of work now for nearly 2 years and its been a true test of our relationship, but I think if we can survive this, we can survive anything. I have tried to be supportive and be positive and encouraging as well as needing to be firm. I have become quite OCD when it comes to spending money on luxury items, and seldom do. Im thinking about shooting them out. I am so sorry the house is not to your liking, perhaps if we were two working men we could have a warmer house? He has no children and we are not married and Im realizing he may be a bachelor for reasons more complicated than I first imagined. We only have one car, and theres no public transportation where I live, and my husband needs the car to try to get work and to transport his son, so I can only attempt at working from home, which I have been trying with no luck. During these years, I cant tell you how many times Ive been at some function where after a few drinks someone said to me, I feel so bad for your partner. And he wont leave!! I have a similar story as many of you I am the wife of 12 years totally frustrated of what has become of my DHs mediocre drive to work and provide for his family. This tore me apart. Too often you try to put it aside and surpress it. You may feel I am too conservative and tradition. At that time, the man was running a graphic design business from home, in cooperation with another person. During my injured time I have endured constant pain, a very messy divorce, and humiliation from social security as I fight for my benefits. You can locate a counselor in your area through our website. But, I do everything around the home. No one promised you or owes you anything. What would become of my children and the life they live? All you are teaching them is that if they ask enough or refuse to step up themselves, you'll give them what they want. Only you know if there's something worth salvaging with your spouse something past the money, beyond the sex, on the other side of the resentment. Its very easy for someone who deals with someone infrequently or not at all to suggest that they cease and desist working and stay home especially when they arent going to be hanging around the home of the person making this suggestion. Hi my boyfriend receives unemployment and doesnt help me with any bills or our sons cost of food diapers etc he does nothing and will not leave because hes on the lease is there any way I can call unemployment and get them to drug test him or something so he could loose it and finally have a reason to evict him he claims he helps with the checks but he really doesnt if he wasnt making anything I can prove hes lying. My parents divorced when i was18, i am trying hard not to do that to my child. People you view as lazy, nothing happening bums. May be tirelessly working to improve themselves and their situations, but you just dont or wont see it. My husband was let go from his job of 22 years and hasnt worked in a year and a half since then. OMG..I am reading these posts and am just mortified. they carry the bad experience for long time. I have decided when stuff isnt done that i will just do it myself. If you admit the reality and the logical consequence you can make the better choice for your life. You messed up, now you got to fix it and its tough because feelings are involved games played and keep reminding yourself of what you deserve and what you want and are able to give In return, the answer will reveal itself and the thought of you hurting yourself because of some guy with two legs a penis and no sense only shows how he has got you right where he wants you. Only it has been 8 years and I am 60. I dont buy the depression thing as an excuse. In the last month he has become someone I dont even recognize. Instead she generally sleeps till noon, watches tv all day and does minimal housework or job hunting. Now he told our 10 year old daughter that I should be working harder when he has been unwilling to look at any job that isnt THE perfect job. I am at the end of my emotional rope and definitely out of patience. He is also a parent and should be contributing to the raising of the child you two created together. Ive been with a guy for 25 years now, father of my two children. must be fricking nice, is all I have to say. I feel burdened and alone. I dont know what to do. I really love him and have tried all the methods of encouragement, helping with starting new ventures all which led to nothing or no success or income. He doesn't respond well to this. I called the police. Women have long been annoyed that they do more housework than men, as demonstrated by many studies, but now they are really steamed. (willingly or unwilling due to the children) boeing 767 patriot express. I worked part time throughout school but obviously I wasnt making anything substantial. Good luck to you. I assure you that while it is rough, yes, it is still possible. She is an interior designed by training. Let him find out what it's like to do his own cooking and laundry to provide for his own needs. We just got a car and for a long time I was taking 3 kids 1,2,6 on the bus at 5 am to get them to.daycare them get on 2 buses and a train to get to work and the same to get home. He got quite a decent inheritance from his dads estate right before baby came so he quit the job he had to help with the baby. Its really appreciated. The recession has been so devastating for so many people. :(, Omg im miss y. He worked once since we have been together for a month but stopped goin because he didnt want to take a day off when our daughter was sick. ", The effect that decision had on her husband can't be understated. So Im like bye. At my wits end, we have 0 sex life. Since we first pretty much start dating.. During the 3 years yes he had some free lance jobs or temp jobs but nothing that lasts more then months at a time.. Or even a year. I built myself into a career and have a very supportive work environment. A guy who really wants this relationship will make the effort. I just want to see a smile that i havent seen in more than a year. My husband occasianaly mows the lawn or fixes something in the house but of course that doesn't happen every week. He lives with anxiety and depression and is unable to work, despite several attempts over the years. So before any of that happens if I leave he may be able to find a roommate or petition his financial aid. It I made enough to support us all and have money for savings and extras I would be just fine with him doing his thing. Hes been trying to trade commodities for all these years and no breakthrough. Reminds me of my ex who I just broke up with. He has anxiety and depression its the worst. on top of it he says what have you done for us, he mentally torture me (by using abusive words about my family). I wish he could just be a man that helps support his family. My husband gets nearly everything he wants. Hes amazing with me- caring- loving- sweet but his dark side is scary. The business has grown a lot in the past few years and is highly successful, which I am grateful for. Its depressing but Im glad to know Im not alone. Ive posted several times over the last few years and am in the same situation. I feel I am being financially abused. He has been out of work for at least a year now. He has hurt our son. Dont remind him that youre paying for everything and therefore he owes you.Instead, Lively recommends presenting chores as an opportunity for him to make you happy. He told me in October 2018 that he would have a job, it is nearly March and hes only been to a handful of interviews and sleeps till noon. I had to leave University to be able to work full time to support us, and now Im working too much to be able to study, so Im trapped. Ive just come across it and want to say that as a partner of an unemployed man who Ive been supporting for nearly a yearthis time.i agree that its not all about the poor unemployed person who must feel stressed n guilty etc.try working 50hrs a week and paying all the bills while ur partner stays home and doeswell,who knows whatgets up at midday..then talk about stress. We are sorry to hear of what you are experiencing. Act like one. I have been supporting her in paying her children costs of living plus schools fees, insurances and extracurricular lessons for about 10 years, I have also helped her with the costs of her radiotherapy, since it is not covered by her current (minimum) office insurance. Praying, meditating are just BANDAIDS and will not help you in a concrete way to get the bum off his a** to do something about it. So what can you do at this point? Decided to go back to school since spouse had a good job and agreed. He seldom take a look how fast I does these house work and how much I do with a long full time work. Hes had a few months here n there of part time employment but has not been able to contribute equally to his half of the bills and rent for all this time. He stays up all night when hes not working the next day keeping me up. We have since had to eat away at the savings we werent going to touch, and my credit card is about $3,000 from being back at the limit. I am not sure what to do, except that if he yells that much about me being the problem with his not finding a job, fine. I had tried to get our marriage back. For me , as long as it give me money I dont mind the nature of work. So now he had been back since then, we arent even really in a relationship anymore, it feels more like room mates, who share a bed, (rarely sex). I challenge any of you who offer the advice that we simply offer unconditional love and support, or who tell us to just hang on and things will get better, to live one effing DAY of our lives. One guy who was supposedly this master salesman couldnt even sell me on why I should give him a chance and I gave him the sell me this pen test and he wasnt even above average with it. Too much time is spent on feelings and being supportive and understanding. Have respect for yourself and get out before its really to late. I really don't want to be a nag about this, but resentment is beginning to build. It seems youre making it on your own anyway. Your husband, like some of the others talked about here, is not just suffering a temporary difficulty finding work. How was he brought up exactly? I make him feel bad with the slightest provocation an eye ball roll, a tone of voice change. As he came from another country, he found it hard to find work; and the jobs he could find were seasonal or one off jobs, nothing secure. The whole idea is to give your husband a dose of reality and jump-start the job search. Families can withstand tight budgets but they dont survive resentment not as their normal. I am the idiot who chose this stupid relationship and I will be the smart one to find my way out. I have worked for the past 6 years of our marriage; but, in the past 14 months i have been trying to find a better solution than chasing a paycheque. I promised myself I wont do that anymore. Once I get up in the morning , I am busy at preparing my kids and my self Breakfast and lunch. "I have a chronic illness which makes it hard to do any physical work.". I am self-employed and work from home and am the 'breadwinner' of our household. three days later he gets an in person interview for a software job. The wife had tried everything but their partner have not improve too much. This was an effort to buy us more time for him to find work. Not a call. Things are back to normal, we are not going backwards financially, and we can now go back to our old ways of holidays and dinners and new clothes. Weve divided their advice into two categories: what they tell the exhausted spouse and what they tell the spouse whos slacking off. He didnt try to look for work or plan anything the first year also the same time when our first son was born. I am mostly referring to the men who have been out of work for years, not just a few months. Problem: he gives $ away and makes bad investments w/o my knowledge! I bet he would find a job if you put him out. If you have children, list all your parenting responsibilities as well. But you, my friend, are free because you can put yourself first by putting him out. When i met my wife when she was my girlfriend, i was working. After the 6 years, that all went and I didnt get another job for 2 years and it was just a few hours and my wife got a part time job of 20 hours.I did the school run for the next 6 years and joined the reserves to gain some extra money.She refused to buy an old car and still eat out and told me she deserved to have everything she wanted! That becomes much harder with time. The weekend at your parents house thats all squared away because she organized it and packed. I was actually having nightmares about the place and felt I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. If you are ever concerned about your safety, please contact local law enforcement or go to your nearest emergency room.